Sad days friends, sad days. Terrible tragedy has struck the Mile High state tonight, in a tremendous sonic outburst of cataclysmic proportions. As always, Augustus Foot (intrepid reporter) is on the scene. And let me tell you the devastation here is, well, devastating.
People running in the streets, broken glass, honking cars. In other words, bedlam.
What happened? How could a city celebrating the first trip to the Fall Classic for the Rockies suddenly find itself in a state of utter panic?
I will tell you. The Mongoose has struck again.
Tonight, before her show at the Pepsi Center, Celine Dion succumbed to an orgasm of soul-shattering magnitude. She was somewhere backstage, and it is, at this time, unclear whether she acted alone or utilized the help of accomplices.
But one things is for sure. The good people of Denver have been molested. Wronged. Simply attacked.
The caterwaul reverberated off the mountains, and sped through the streets of LoDo. Windows exploded, pets fainted, the elderly vomited, and hundreds upon thousands of ears are bleeding.
It is confusing and atrocious here. Debris litters the sidewalk as far as the eye can see. and many fans, anxiously awaiting with bated breath for the Dreaded Mongoose to take the stage, have been betrayed beyond comprehension. The wounded are being trampled by the fleeing hoard. And there seems to be no end in sight.
The perpetrator has fled. Her caravan sped out of sight, shortly after the first victims staggered from the arena. We are still waiting for word from local law enforcement on how they plan to proceed.
Wait...What's that? Oh...
Folks, it looks like we are out of time. In closing, I would like to lend a personal thought. No distance is too great. I fear another tremor may rock this city before The Mongoose has reached the outskirts of town. Please, you cannot be too cautious. Buy earplugs, stuff cotton in your ears, and seal your doors with duct tape.
Celine Dion may strike again. Let us not be caught unawares.
Signing off,
Augustus Foot
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